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I need to win my AL-only fantasy league this season. It's one of the most crucial things happening in my life right now -- not top-five, but definitely top I wish I were making this up.


I need to win my AL-only fantasy league this season.

It's one of the most crucial things happening in my life right now -- not top-five, but definitely top I wish I were making this up. So does my wife. When she hears me discussing trades with my co-owner, Hench, or sees me silently swearing in front of my laptop because Torii Hunter took another 0-for-4, it makes her frisnds. Like, really angry.

Like, we-might-be-getting-divorced-soon angry. She doesn't know friends of mariah message board care that Hench and I were favored to win this season, or that we're currently floundering in fifth place with a nariah of underachievers. Our defining player? But we hadn't counted on Rocco blowing out an elbow in rehab. Ever hear of a nonpitcher needing Tommy John surgery? For two solid months, I've been scouring Tampa papers for good news, but Rocco has suffered more setbacks than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown combined.

In the end, people really don't care; they just want to know if you had messate good time. I'm not having a good time. This team is ruining my life. Of course, my wife doesn't understand. She thinks I'm boarrd. And maybe I am. I've already spent plus hours managing my team: talking trades, researching free agents, bitching to Hench, monitoring our guys through DirecTV's baseball package, even calculating how much it would mesdage to murder Baldelli.

I can't think of a less productive way to spend my time, short of ing a gym or appearing on "Around the Horn. So why do I want to belong to more leagues? Because I'm an overly competitive psychopath, that's why.

Wentworth miller: 'i owe my success to mariah carey' - comments and message board

It makes me wonder why we aren't more creative with this stuff. Where are the March Madness leagues? Are there boxing and wrestling leagues out there?

Friends of mariah message board

And what about nonsports leagues? Why aren't, say, Hollywood-related leagues more prevalent?

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Some junkies are ahead of the curve. Roto" Web site. He belongs to a movie league. Berry and his friends bid on any film that is scheduled to be released over the course of a year, their stats coming in like most weeks spent in the top-five grosses, total box office and Oscar nominations.

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When he griped to me that one of his big sleepers, "Akeelah and the Bee," opened poorly, I was hooked. This sounds fun. This sounds dangerous, potentially life-threatening. This sounds like something for me. When I told my wife about it, she looked like George Frkends at the end of the Nuggets-Clips series: sourpuss face, hands at her sides, complete disbelief. All she was missing was the potbelly.

Then, maybe I'll understand. And I never turn down a challenge.

So I racked my brain, contemplating all the dopey things she likes. And then it hit me. Us Weekly. The Sports Gal loves Us Frriends.

‘i am baffled, shocked and appalled when i’m called a diva.’

It's her bible. She devours it religiously each week. She examines every friends of mariah message board, re every story marih mutters stuff like, "My God, she's too skinny! She likes seeing what everyone is wearing. She likes the gossip. Because, after all, stars are messge like us! They go to Starbucks! They take out the trash! There is nothing about Us Weekly she doesn't appreciate. So I'm going to create an Us Weekly fantasy league just for her. It's a million-dollar idea that could make me rich, if I weren't too dumb to figure out how to trademark it.

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More important, it will save my marriage. I can't afford to get divorced, it's way too expensive. Scoring is head-to-head for 22 weeks, playoffs over the last three so you can have two seasons per year. If she makes the cover of Us, o get 10 points three for the inset photo. Every other Lohan picture inside is worth one. If she appears in the "Fashion Police," you're docked three.

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That's it. You can add or drop your celebs each Monday. Like maybe you want to dump Jake Gyllenhaal because the whole "Brokeback" thing has played out and grab Josh Hartnett because he's dating Scarlett Johansson. Then again, you might want to hang on to Gyllenhaal.

So when i saw that mariah carey was releasing a magical christmas special, i knew my grinch heart was she was like brb gonna go save the world with my angelic voice.

He's single and his might be up in the Lohan deli line. Here's the beauty of my new league.

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But when, out of nowhere, she lands in a love triangle with Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear, she suddenly becomes Chris Shelton or Jonny Gomes, a bona fide sleeper! On the downside, I could easily see someone overpaying for Nicole Richie, thinking she might start to date Diddy or seek help for an eating disorder, and when she doesn't, you're playing catch-up for five months.

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The possibilities are endless. When I described the concept to the Sports Gal, she was confused, then intrigued, then enthralled. Now she wants me to organize it. And I just might. I want our whole house to be as crazy as I am. I want her to sneak out of bed to change her lineup at borad on Monday morning, or complain about her team on Friday when the magazine arrives. Then, she'd finally understand the whole fantasy thing, and we'd live happily ever after.

At least until the first time we tried to work out a trade.

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